So many firsts...

In the past few weeks we have gotten to experience so many new things with Mckinley. The top picture is the first time we gave her a bath...which she LOVED. The next picture is her first bottle ever. She didn't love that so much. Preemies have a hard time with their coordination and being able to suck, swallow and breathe all at the same time. So her heart rate dropped a lot and gave us a good scare, but she is learning. She is now taking two bottles a day and needs to be taking all eight feedings a day by bottle before she can come home. The next picture is her first little outfit. We thought for sure she would be too big for it, but it fit her perfectly. And the last picture is the best because...she is breathing on her own! She still has the little feeding tube in but her big nose things are gone. The funny thing is she has actually done a lot better with no help breathing. You know how she has tried to take all of her tubes out pretty much since birth? Well apparently they made her so much more fussy that is was affecting her breathing and heart rate. When she wasn't trying to pull her tubes out anymore she calmed down and is sleeping and breathing much better. Her stubbornness is already proving to be a good thing. She knew she didn't need them anymore and she let the nurses know! She has also had two vision screenings and a hearing test and all the results have come back with no problems.

She is still doing better than anyone could expect. She's a month and a half away from her due date and is almost doing everything she needs to come home. All she has left is to be able to take a bottle for all of her feedings and then she is all ours! I don't know how to describe how blessed we feel. Looking back now I don't think I would change how things happened. I would have never chosen this path for myself, Brandon or Mckinley. I would certainly never have desired for my child to have to have struggled like she has so far. I mean it breaks my heart when I see her choke just trying to drink her milk because she isn't developed enough to know how to do that yet, watch her turn blue when her heart rate drops, not be held by her parents or anyone except once a day because it makes her burn precious calories, or see her fight all the tubes and wires all over her and sleep less because of it. She wasn't supposed to be doing any of this yet. I was supposed to be doing all of it for her but we are expecting her to do it anyway. It is hard to watch sometimes. I don't think any parent would choose this for their child.

But I think that is why God is in control and we are not. Even though she's had a rough start He is doing a work in her that even as her mother I could never have accomplished. Especially because as a parent you never want your child to hurt. So if I was in control and never let Mckinley hurt and just did everything for her she would never develop into the strong woman of faith God wants her to be. He is going to do so much bigger and grander things in her life than I would have even hoped for her. So I praise God that He knows what even a 2 pound baby can handle and hasn't expected more of her than that. And that this is just the beginning of a work that's bigger than me, Brandon or Mckinley and fits into His perfect plan. In the meantime He has been teaching me that we don't always get to choose how things are going to work out for us but we get to choose who or what we turn to when things don't go like we would hope. So on the days that we watch her struggle or just ache from missing her so much we have to make the decision to trust Him or break down. And I have to say...every day we choose to trust Him we find peace. Yes, the kind that passes our understanding.