Sorry in advance for the length of this. I couldn't find anything to cut out! So here goes...
Shortly after Mckinley's first birthday we decided we were ready for more kids! In fact, we were ready when she had just come home from the hospital, but had to wait a while (for some reason, trying to get pregnant with a 2 month old preemie is discouraged...weird). We knew we would begin trying around the beginning of this year. We had plans to go see the fertility doctor in January. But before we even had the chance Keith announced our theme for the year: Breaking through and breaking out. God immediately began moving in me. As he went point by point through the sermon (to have profound awareness of our need, radical surrender, deep security, great freedom, joyful obedience, uncompromising commitment, wholeness/healing) God laid something on my heart. I IMMEDIATELY pushed it aside and convinced myself that it just couldn't be what He was saying. But by the end of the sermon I was almost visibly shaking because I knew without a doubt He was saying this to me...and I was scared. I was scared of what it might mean for the future, I was scared to tell Brandon, but I was so sure it was the Lord that I just prayed He would cast out my fear and help me to trust Him no matter what His calling would mean in my life.
That day God said that we were not to do fertility treatments. But that was all. He didn't say if we would get pregnant on our own, or if this meant it was time to adopt and we were not to have any more children biologically. That's what scared me so much. I wanted to carry another child, but I didn't know if He was saying that we were done with that. What made it even more difficult was that for a while Brandon didn't agree with me at all. He was hurt. He loves Mckinley in a way any girl would want her Daddy to love her. People always asked when we were going to have our second and my answer was always "as soon as possible!". Then our questioner would immediately look to Brandon expecting a roll of the eyes or "yeah right" but he had a smile as big as mine. We LOVED being parents. We want a big family. Those were always our dreams together. And here I was saying...maybe our plans have changed. I do want to mention that we aren't saying that there is anything wrong with fertility treatments, but just that God called us not to do them at this stage of our lives.
So my fear mixed with Brandon's uncertainty and hurt made that feeling of "sureness" begin to wear off quickly and I started questioning if that's what I really heard or if it was even God. In comes prayer week. Brandon and I attended the night that Tom Jacobs talked about how He had doubted something God called him to, and that God said that even though what He had called him to was hard that it was His plan A for Tom. And that he could choose another way, but it would be plan B. I felt that night that God was saying that we could do fertility treatments but it was His plan B for us. At that point there was still fear in me but after all He had done in us through Mckinley's life I knew that He was a God I could trust, and that His ways aren't our ways but they so much better. I knew I had to trust plan A. And then just in case there was any doubt left, He gave me the words (that I have read often and clung to this year) that He gave Laurie Aiken. They have been a precious reminder to me of His strength, power and love for His children. (Some of which are mentioned later)
I fully expected the next few months (or years) to be a rich, sweet time with the Lord. But I felt like after all that assurance He gave me that everything fell silent. There were no more words of hope from Him or any more details of what He meant by no fertility, and Brandon and I still weren't on the same page. It was a hard time. I also began to struggle physically. When I am not pregnant or nursing I need medicine to help with my physical issues, but you can't get pregnant on those medicines so I couldn't take them. I had a lot of questions that went unanswered during that time. To be honest, a lot of frustration as well. I tried so hard to seek and listen and felt like He was silent. Then one day several months later, I was driving and Brian Hite was praying on the radio and I was talking and playing with Mckinley so I'm not sure what the prayer was even about, but in it he said the word "freedom". After months of not hearing much from the Lord, I knew it was from Him. I kept saying the word over and over and I asked "Freedom to what?" And I felt a clear freedom to go to the doctor. I didn't know if He meant to do fertility or not but just at least to go to the doctor.
So I did. They did all the blood work and ran tests and I expected him to say that my levels had changed and everything looked normal. But it was quite the opposite. He said that according to all the tests that not only would I not ovulate, but I couldn't even be making eggs at all. He gave me two paths to take...fertility or the medicine that keeps me from getting pregnant. I was devastated. I told him I would talk to my husband, but I knew I couldn't take either path. Fortunately when the world gave us a choice between two paths, God began clearing the way for a third path that no one else could see. I didn't go back to the doctor for a while, but started having some physical problems that ended up requiring an ultrasound. The nurses looked and looked at whatever was on the screen and then shockingly said...there's an egg. It's healthy and almost full grown. And in that moment I knew God had not abandoned me over the past few months. He was calling me to trust and obey as He was healing me. And I was so excited everything else was a blur. They gave me some fertility medicines because they said it might need help to finish growing and sent me home. Without praying or seeking the Lord, I took the medicine.
We didn't end up pregnant that month and in fact, the medicine had a side effect that it had never had in me before and I got cysts on my ovaries. I knew then that I had not stopped to ask God first, I had just done what the doctor said. About this time, a dear friend of ours preached a sermon and spoke of Daniel and all he had to give up in his life when he was taken from his home and country and then asked us the question "Can you be obedient to God even if it means the death of your own dream?". That was a really hard question to answer. The thought of not having another child devastated me and I had no word from Him that it would ever happen. All I knew was that He had re-confirmed in me the calling not to do fertility (how patient He is with us). Because of the cysts we had to wait another month to even try to get pregnant.
Around this time God began to change Brandon's heart. I felt led not to do the fertility treatments but we were still doing an IUI. I won't go into the details of that, but Brandon said He knew we weren't supposed to be doing that anymore (something I had not heard). That was just another major step to getting pregnant that we had to discontinue. It seems that God wanted to work in both of our hearts and it wasn't until we were both open to listening to and obeying Him that His power was released in our lives.
Well, we were driving the doctor crazy at this point. He must have thought we just didn't want to get pregnant. But they continued to monitor me and much to their surprise, despite what my blood work was showing, I continued to grow eggs. I soon had a positive pregnancy test and surprised Brandon by decorating Mckinley's room with a "big sister" sign and pink and blue balloons. However, a week or so later the doctor confirmed that we were miscarrying. I didn't have a good explanation for that and didn't ask God for one. I know hurt comes into our lives and all I could do was pray for strength to keep going in this process and that he would heal our hearts. He did. In fact, He gave us a peace that we couldn't explain, but we did start to wonder if we should start the adoption process. We were worn very thin; emotionally, spiritually, and physically. The doctor told us we would need to wait another month to start trying again. But as they kept a close eye on me they did find that my body had recovered and I was growing an egg. They said we might as well try.
That very next month God blessed us with the news that we were pregnant. No fertility. I am now almost 15 weeks along and finally getting little breaks from my all-day-for-the last-several-months sickness. But humbled, thankful, and changed. In the words He gave to Laurie Aiken, I have seen that "He does have power over this world, there is no end to His strength, I don't have to put limits on Him, and I sure don't have the mind to understand all that He is capable of." In breaking through, He said that He wants to do what only He can do. And He did! I have been memorizing Psalm 145 and I love that it says "Let each generation tell its children of your mighty acts; let them proclaim your power." How easy it will be for us to tell our children that their very lives are a proclamation of His power. I also have felt that it is a calling for us. "Your awe-inspiring deeds will be on every tongue; I will proclaim your greatness." So that is why I write this today. So that we can proclaim His greatness. Throughout the process we have been weak, we have doubted God and His goodness, and we have disobeyed. But His grace has been sufficient and despite all of that He has moved more mountains for us. We are just full of praise and wanted to share with you His continued work and faithfulness in our lives.
We would also ask for your continued prayers as we know we still have quite a journey ahead. I have already had a surgery that would buy us time if I were to go into labor early again (praise God that the surgery went well and didn't cause any complications!) And they also found I have placenta previa which could move and not cause any problems or could cause us to lose the baby or go into preterm labor. Between the problems I already have plus the placenta previa there is a very real possibility of long term bed rest (which would be hard in the midst of raising our almost two year old!). But how could we not just trust God with it at this point?!
Thank you for your prayers and involvement in our lives. If I could really go into all the details I would thank all the people that said just the right thing at the right time to keep us going and encourage us. A sermon, a breakpoint testimony, a night at prayer week, a worship song, encouragement at a play group, simple conversations on Sunday mornings, a prayer or song on the radio, lunch with a friend, support from family, an e-mail, all have been such an important part of our journey. What a blessing to be a part of such a loving, praying, Godly body of Christ! And for those that may not be I would highly encourage surrounding yourselves with the things and people of God (not exclusively of course, we are called to be a light in the darkness). It's just been amazing to see the many ways and the many people He has used to speak to us in all of this.
"You are strength in my weakness
And You are the refuge I seek.
You are everything in my time of need.
You are everything...you are everything I need."
