Why Ezra Jackson...

Ezra Jackson Jones

Why Ezra?

Ezra was a priest, a scribe, and a great leader. His name means "help", and his whole life was dedicated to serving God and God's people. Ezra is believed to have written most of 1 and 2 Chronicles, Ezra, Nehemiah, and Psalm 119 and led a council of 120 men who compiled the Old Testament canon. The narrative of the book of Ezra is centered on God and his promise that the Jews would return to their land, as prophesied by Jeremiah. This message formed the core of Ezra's life. The last half of the book gives a very personal glimpse of Ezra. His knowledge of Scripture and his God-given wisdom were so obvious to the king that he appointed Ezra to lead the second emigration to Jerusalem, to teach the people God's Word, and to administer national life. Ezra not only knew God's word, he believed and obeyed it. Upon learning of the Israelites' sins of intermarriage and idolatry, Ezra fell in humility before God and prayed for the nation. Their disobedience touched him deeply. His response helped the people back to God. Ezra's example of humble confession led to a national revival. Ezra was a humble, obedient helper who served God with his whole life.

That is our heart for our son. That he would know God, His Word, and obey it. That he would be a man of courage to stand for God in a world that so often doesn't while humbly loving and seeking restoration for those that have turned from God. We don't know his personality, gifts, interests or life plans and have no expectations for those things. We simply pray for the heart of our child to grow into a heart that loves the Lord with all his heart, soul, mind and strength...as Ezra did.

Why Jackson?

Jackson simply means "God is gracious". And we have hearts full of praise as we see God's grace in our lives. He gave us such a heart for children and we just couldn't wait for a home full of them, but could easily be in a very different set of circumstances right now. Mckinley didn't have to do so well born at 26 weeks and we didn't think we could have children without fertility...but here we are! We know that we don't deserve these blessings and can easily see that God's grace is on us and in our lives. He is so gracious. And we will get a precious reminder of that every time we look at our little Ezra Jackson.

The Latest on our Journey

Sorry in advance for the length of this. I couldn't find anything to cut out! So here goes...

Shortly after Mckinley's first birthday we decided we were ready for more kids! In fact, we were ready when she had just come home from the hospital, but had to wait a while (for some reason, trying to get pregnant with a 2 month old preemie is discouraged...weird). We knew we would begin trying around the beginning of this year. We had plans to go see the fertility doctor in January. But before we even had the chance Keith announced our theme for the year: Breaking through and breaking out. God immediately began moving in me. As he went point by point through the sermon (to have profound awareness of our need, radical surrender, deep security, great freedom, joyful obedience, uncompromising commitment, wholeness/healing) God laid something on my heart. I IMMEDIATELY pushed it aside and convinced myself that it just couldn't be what He was saying. But by the end of the sermon I was almost visibly shaking because I knew without a doubt He was saying this to me...and I was scared. I was scared of what it might mean for the future, I was scared to tell Brandon, but I was so sure it was the Lord that I just prayed He would cast out my fear and help me to trust Him no matter what His calling would mean in my life.

That day God said that we were not to do fertility treatments. But that was all. He didn't say if we would get pregnant on our own, or if this meant it was time to adopt and we were not to have any more children biologically. That's what scared me so much. I wanted to carry another child, but I didn't know if He was saying that we were done with that. What made it even more difficult was that for a while Brandon didn't agree with me at all. He was hurt. He loves Mckinley in a way any girl would want her Daddy to love her. People always asked when we were going to have our second and my answer was always "as soon as possible!". Then our questioner would immediately look to Brandon expecting a roll of the eyes or "yeah right" but he had a smile as big as mine. We LOVED being parents. We want a big family. Those were always our dreams together. And here I was saying...maybe our plans have changed. I do want to mention that we aren't saying that there is anything wrong with fertility treatments, but just that God called us not to do them at this stage of our lives.

So my fear mixed with Brandon's uncertainty and hurt made that feeling of "sureness" begin to wear off quickly and I started questioning if that's what I really heard or if it was even God. In comes prayer week. Brandon and I attended the night that Tom Jacobs talked about how He had doubted something God called him to, and that God said that even though what He had called him to was hard that it was His plan A for Tom. And that he could choose another way, but it would be plan B. I felt that night that God was saying that we could do fertility treatments but it was His plan B for us. At that point there was still fear in me but after all He had done in us through Mckinley's life I knew that He was a God I could trust, and that His ways aren't our ways but they so much better. I knew I had to trust plan A. And then just in case there was any doubt left, He gave me the words (that I have read often and clung to this year) that He gave Laurie Aiken. They have been a precious reminder to me of His strength, power and love for His children. (Some of which are mentioned later)

I fully expected the next few months (or years) to be a rich, sweet time with the Lord. But I felt like after all that assurance He gave me that everything fell silent. There were no more words of hope from Him or any more details of what He meant by no fertility, and Brandon and I still weren't on the same page. It was a hard time. I also began to struggle physically. When I am not pregnant or nursing I need medicine to help with my physical issues, but you can't get pregnant on those medicines so I couldn't take them. I had a lot of questions that went unanswered during that time. To be honest, a lot of frustration as well. I tried so hard to seek and listen and felt like He was silent. Then one day several months later, I was driving and Brian Hite was praying on the radio and I was talking and playing with Mckinley so I'm not sure what the prayer was even about, but in it he said the word "freedom". After months of not hearing much from the Lord, I knew it was from Him. I kept saying the word over and over and I asked "Freedom to what?" And I felt a clear freedom to go to the doctor. I didn't know if He meant to do fertility or not but just at least to go to the doctor.

So I did. They did all the blood work and ran tests and I expected him to say that my levels had changed and everything looked normal. But it was quite the opposite. He said that according to all the tests that not only would I not ovulate, but I couldn't even be making eggs at all. He gave me two paths to take...fertility or the medicine that keeps me from getting pregnant. I was devastated. I told him I would talk to my husband, but I knew I couldn't take either path. Fortunately when the world gave us a choice between two paths, God began clearing the way for a third path that no one else could see. I didn't go back to the doctor for a while, but started having some physical problems that ended up requiring an ultrasound. The nurses looked and looked at whatever was on the screen and then shockingly said...there's an egg. It's healthy and almost full grown. And in that moment I knew God had not abandoned me over the past few months. He was calling me to trust and obey as He was healing me. And I was so excited everything else was a blur. They gave me some fertility medicines because they said it might need help to finish growing and sent me home. Without praying or seeking the Lord, I took the medicine.

We didn't end up pregnant that month and in fact, the medicine had a side effect that it had never had in me before and I got cysts on my ovaries. I knew then that I had not stopped to ask God first, I had just done what the doctor said. About this time, a dear friend of ours preached a sermon and spoke of Daniel and all he had to give up in his life when he was taken from his home and country and then asked us the question "Can you be obedient to God even if it means the death of your own dream?". That was a really hard question to answer. The thought of not having another child devastated me and I had no word from Him that it would ever happen. All I knew was that He had re-confirmed in me the calling not to do fertility (how patient He is with us). Because of the cysts we had to wait another month to even try to get pregnant.

Around this time God began to change Brandon's heart. I felt led not to do the fertility treatments but we were still doing an IUI. I won't go into the details of that, but Brandon said He knew we weren't supposed to be doing that anymore (something I had not heard). That was just another major step to getting pregnant that we had to discontinue. It seems that God wanted to work in both of our hearts and it wasn't until we were both open to listening to and obeying Him that His power was released in our lives.

Well, we were driving the doctor crazy at this point. He must have thought we just didn't want to get pregnant. But they continued to monitor me and much to their surprise, despite what my blood work was showing, I continued to grow eggs. I soon had a positive pregnancy test and surprised Brandon by decorating Mckinley's room with a "big sister" sign and pink and blue balloons. However, a week or so later the doctor confirmed that we were miscarrying. I didn't have a good explanation for that and didn't ask God for one. I know hurt comes into our lives and all I could do was pray for strength to keep going in this process and that he would heal our hearts. He did. In fact, He gave us a peace that we couldn't explain, but we did start to wonder if we should start the adoption process. We were worn very thin; emotionally, spiritually, and physically. The doctor told us we would need to wait another month to start trying again. But as they kept a close eye on me they did find that my body had recovered and I was growing an egg. They said we might as well try.

That very next month God blessed us with the news that we were pregnant. No fertility. I am now almost 15 weeks along and finally getting little breaks from my all-day-for-the last-several-months sickness. But humbled, thankful, and changed. In the words He gave to Laurie Aiken, I have seen that "He does have power over this world, there is no end to His strength, I don't have to put limits on Him, and I sure don't have the mind to understand all that He is capable of." In breaking through, He said that He wants to do what only He can do. And He did! I have been memorizing Psalm 145 and I love that it says "Let each generation tell its children of your mighty acts; let them proclaim your power." How easy it will be for us to tell our children that their very lives are a proclamation of His power. I also have felt that it is a calling for us. "Your awe-inspiring deeds will be on every tongue; I will proclaim your greatness." So that is why I write this today. So that we can proclaim His greatness. Throughout the process we have been weak, we have doubted God and His goodness, and we have disobeyed. But His grace has been sufficient and despite all of that He has moved more mountains for us. We are just full of praise and wanted to share with you His continued work and faithfulness in our lives.

We would also ask for your continued prayers as we know we still have quite a journey ahead. I have already had a surgery that would buy us time if I were to go into labor early again (praise God that the surgery went well and didn't cause any complications!) And they also found I have placenta previa which could move and not cause any problems or could cause us to lose the baby or go into preterm labor. Between the problems I already have plus the placenta previa there is a very real possibility of long term bed rest (which would be hard in the midst of raising our almost two year old!). But how could we not just trust God with it at this point?!

Thank you for your prayers and involvement in our lives. If I could really go into all the details I would thank all the people that said just the right thing at the right time to keep us going and encourage us. A sermon, a breakpoint testimony, a night at prayer week, a worship song, encouragement at a play group, simple conversations on Sunday mornings, a prayer or song on the radio, lunch with a friend, support from family, an e-mail, all have been such an important part of our journey. What a blessing to be a part of such a loving, praying, Godly body of Christ! And for those that may not be I would highly encourage surrounding yourselves with the things and people of God (not exclusively of course, we are called to be a light in the darkness). It's just been amazing to see the many ways and the many people He has used to speak to us in all of this.

"You are strength in my weakness

And You are the refuge I seek.

You are everything in my time of need.

You are everything...you are everything I need."

A year ago today

On April 12, 2009 we got home from our trip to Europe. The next morning I had to wake up super early to go to the fertility doctor. We had been trying for months and my hormones started getting the best of me so I figured it was time to talk to him. I was exhausted and very apprehensive about the visit. I had been to this doctor when I was younger so he could help me with hormone issues so I was familiar with the office and the doctor as well. But I had never asked him how my hormone issues would effect being able to get pregnant. I knew I could get any answer from...you will have no problem, to...you may not be able to get pregnant. I walked into the office, signed in, looked around and after trying to find a seat in such a crowded waiting room, I sat down expecting a good long wait. I immediately pulled out my Bible and just opened it not knowing what to do other than turn to God. It opened to a random page and I read..."He settles the barren woman in her home as a happy mother of children. Praise the Lord." Psalm 113:9 As I read the word "Lord" they called my name. I had waited no longer than a minute.

I didn't even have time for everything to sink in. I just felt the Lord's presence with me in a powerful way. I was shocked. I guess I shouldn't be shocked by the work the Lord does in our lives but I just couldn't get over what I'd just read. How had I turned to that page, that verse and had just enough time to read it before they called my name? God. He is good and He was with me. During a time of uncertainty and questions He was speaking to me and giving me hope.

The doctor told me that day that I would have problems getting pregnant. I will spare you the boring details but basically from what I understand (which isn't much with medical stuff) the part of my brain that should tell my hormones how to work...didn't work. So they would have to start me on fertility treatments and just see if my body responded to them without my brains help. I started treatment the very next day.

Now exactly one year to the date later...Mckinley turned four months old and I can say that on my own accord I was a barren woman but I am in my home and a very happy mother of one amazing child. Praise the Lord!

Home sweet home!

Well, we have had Mckinley home for almost two months now and it has been incredible. She has pretty much slept the whole two months but just in the past week or so has been having much longer awake times. She is somewhere around 6 1/2 pounds and we almost never have to wake her up to eat anymore. She lets us know when it's time and we have found that her lungs have gotten much stronger! All things we are so thankful for. I am even overjoyed when I hear her crying. I'm just so thankful to have a child that I don't care if she cries all night and day. She doesn't fortunately, but even if she did it would be okay. I still daily get teared up when I look at her. I just almost can't believe she's real. She's home. She's healthy. She's adorable. She's...a miracle. When I go to bed at night I almost can't believe I get to wake up and do it all over again the next day. It seems too good to be true. I seriously love every single minute of it. I'm thinking I want about 15 children at this point. I'll have to check with Brandon on that one though :)

St. Patrick's Day was her due date and we celebrated that day! She was over three months old and we knew that day could have been a day of heart ache. We are just so thankful to God for blessing us with her. Since we've been home everything has really sunk in about what we have just been through. During a situation like this all you can do is take one day at a time. We found out I was in labor...we prayed and hoped it would hold off. She was born...they were able to keep her breathing and alive. We stayed in the hospital...we visited her and tried to understand the machines and risks that preemies have. We went home and went to see her everyday...we called every time they were checking her weight, met with the doctors, watched her progress, prayed for her health and life. We watched one tube or wire leave at a time and eventually...months later we got to welcome her home. It's amazing the grace God gives you in those situations. If I knew then what I knew now I would have been terrified. But God gives you one day at a time only what He knows you can handle in Him, and we are so thankful for that. Now we have really had the chance to just enjoy our sweet girl. We've been to the park...
Taken some fun Easter pictures...
And Easter Sunday was a precious time for us. We got to take her to church for the very first time. It was a sweet time holding her and worshiping and getting to celebrate the new life we have in Christ and the new life He has blessed us with.
A song we sang that morning seemed perfectly appropriate...
"What can I do but thank you
What can I do but give my life to you
Hallelujah Hallelujah

What can I do but praise you
Everyday make everything I do
Hallelujah Hallelujah"

Update from dad

Over the weekend Mckinley hit the number we have been waiting for which was 4 pounds and last night she was over 4 lbs 2 ounces which means she has doubled her weight! Very cool. She should be off of external heat any day now and will be moved to an open bed. Two criteria for bringing her home are checked off(or at least will be anytime now). The last thing we have to focus on is getting Mckinley to take all eight of her feedings from a bottle instead of through the feeding tube. Right now we are doing two bottles a day and those are always pretty sketchy. She has heart drops, breathing problems, spits up, and lets milk run out the sides of her mouth. A big problem has been that right when we start giving her a bottle she decides it is a great time to try and go to the bathroom. She has far from mastered that art and so trying to eat and relieve herself at the same time is just way too much for her to handle.

Although switching to bottles has not been the easiest process, we trust she will get it eventually. Hopefully as of today we are 2-3 weeks from bringing her home. She wasn't expected to come home before March 17th so late February or early March would be such a cool thing. We are really ready to get her home but thankfully it has been a positive wanting and not a bad thing so far for the most part. Kat has been amazing at keeping her own spirits up. Spending at least 3 hours in a windowless hospital room surely isn't what she was hoping for but focusing on all the blessings that God has graciously given us has made it pretty easy to keep our spirits up. Thinking back to the day when the doctor first told us Mckinley was going to come early and the difference in how I thought that would play out and how it actually did is a wild experience and always reminds me what a great situation we are in.

I posted this on Facebook the other day but Mckinley finally has true nipples. She was born so early that they weren't visible but over the weeks they have formed to the point that you can see them now. I know she will kill me one day if she ever knows I was so amazed by this but I just am. It just is one example of how we were able to watch a 26 week old fetus born far too early develop into a baby. Such a cool experience. If/when we get pregnant again and we make it this far we will be able to look at early pictures of Mckinley and really know what that baby looks like inside of Kat. That is just really cool to me.

Anyways, if you are wanting to pray for us one big prayer request is that we can progress to more bottles so we can get our baby home and stop having that feeling that someone is missing when we are at home.

Brandon

So many firsts...

In the past few weeks we have gotten to experience so many new things with Mckinley. The top picture is the first time we gave her a bath...which she LOVED. The next picture is her first bottle ever. She didn't love that so much. Preemies have a hard time with their coordination and being able to suck, swallow and breathe all at the same time. So her heart rate dropped a lot and gave us a good scare, but she is learning. She is now taking two bottles a day and needs to be taking all eight feedings a day by bottle before she can come home. The next picture is her first little outfit. We thought for sure she would be too big for it, but it fit her perfectly. And the last picture is the best because...she is breathing on her own! She still has the little feeding tube in but her big nose things are gone. The funny thing is she has actually done a lot better with no help breathing. You know how she has tried to take all of her tubes out pretty much since birth? Well apparently they made her so much more fussy that is was affecting her breathing and heart rate. When she wasn't trying to pull her tubes out anymore she calmed down and is sleeping and breathing much better. Her stubbornness is already proving to be a good thing. She knew she didn't need them anymore and she let the nurses know! She has also had two vision screenings and a hearing test and all the results have come back with no problems.

She is still doing better than anyone could expect. She's a month and a half away from her due date and is almost doing everything she needs to come home. All she has left is to be able to take a bottle for all of her feedings and then she is all ours! I don't know how to describe how blessed we feel. Looking back now I don't think I would change how things happened. I would have never chosen this path for myself, Brandon or Mckinley. I would certainly never have desired for my child to have to have struggled like she has so far. I mean it breaks my heart when I see her choke just trying to drink her milk because she isn't developed enough to know how to do that yet, watch her turn blue when her heart rate drops, not be held by her parents or anyone except once a day because it makes her burn precious calories, or see her fight all the tubes and wires all over her and sleep less because of it. She wasn't supposed to be doing any of this yet. I was supposed to be doing all of it for her but we are expecting her to do it anyway. It is hard to watch sometimes. I don't think any parent would choose this for their child.

But I think that is why God is in control and we are not. Even though she's had a rough start He is doing a work in her that even as her mother I could never have accomplished. Especially because as a parent you never want your child to hurt. So if I was in control and never let Mckinley hurt and just did everything for her she would never develop into the strong woman of faith God wants her to be. He is going to do so much bigger and grander things in her life than I would have even hoped for her. So I praise God that He knows what even a 2 pound baby can handle and hasn't expected more of her than that. And that this is just the beginning of a work that's bigger than me, Brandon or Mckinley and fits into His perfect plan. In the meantime He has been teaching me that we don't always get to choose how things are going to work out for us but we get to choose who or what we turn to when things don't go like we would hope. So on the days that we watch her struggle or just ache from missing her so much we have to make the decision to trust Him or break down. And I have to say...every day we choose to trust Him we find peace. Yes, the kind that passes our understanding.

What a difference a pound makes!

Mckinley is now 3 lbs. 1 oz. and we can see every bit of it. When we see her everyday it's hard to remember how small she was. Then one day we had another set of parents that have a baby in the NICU come by her bed and say...wow I can't wait until our child is that big. I couldn't believe it but looking back going from two to three pounds is huge for her. It's such a joy seeing her grow. Her heart murmur is gone (praise God!) and her breathing is progressing so quickly. She is on room air, not getting any oxygen and she is on level 2 for the pressure they are giving her lungs. Just last week she was on 4 and is working her way down quickly! She started by taking one little cc of milk every three hours and now she is on 28 cc's every three hours and gaining about an ounce a day. Hopefully next week we can try giving her a bottle which I can't wait for. Today Brandon and I get to give her a bath and we've never been able to do that before. We love every new thing we get to experience with her. We still kangaroo with her everyday and she's still pulling out all of her tubes. She's just great.

God also continues to use her in our lives in a mighty way. This is what God taught me through her just recently. It was a particularly rough day for her. So as I was holding her I told her that I knew it was so hard right now and that she was having to fight so much. But I told her not to give up. That we were with her and going to hold her and help her fight. That if she could keep fighting she would get to come home with us soon. We were getting together a beautiful room for her that had no beeping machines, no nurses talking all the time and waking her up, and no other babies crying. It was a place where her Mommy and Daddy could hold her anytime they wanted to, give her kisses and hugs and make sure she has everything she needs. And best of all she would be free from everything that made life so hard for her right now.

As I was finishing telling her this I felt God say the same thing to me and I believe He says this to all His children as we face the hard times of life...I'm holding you right now. I know it's hard but I am fighting with you. I am preparing a beautiful place for you where you will hurt no more. If you just keep fighting and stay faithful one day you will come home and find the perfect peace you long for. No more cancers, sins, diseases or loss. You will be free from these things and you will see me and be with me always.

I think having a child does give us a better understanding of God and how he loves us. Just like it breaks my heart to see her hurt, so it hurts His to see us that way. He hurts when we hurt and He holds us through it all. What a wonderful God we serve. And He is helping us fight through this time. It's hard to leave her there and we miss her so much when we are home. We have both said that we don't feel quite right when she isn't with us, like a part of us is missing. But it's almost been six weeks already and we know this is only a season. She will be home soon.

Another praise is she got to move to another room. The NICU is completely full right now and they are getting new babies in all the time. Out of all the babies in the room, Mckinley was the most stable so they picked her to move. We love it because it gives us a little more privacy and it was great to hear that she was doing so well! Overall, we certainly can't complain. She is beautiful, gaining weight, breathing well, learning new things, and loves to cuddle with us. And she loves to pose for pictures. Haha those are pictures we will always treasure. It's hard to have a heavy heart around her because she always makes it light.